It's been a week since I set off my research project here in Taiwan. I have encountered some minor difficulties in my research, just some tiny obstacles that I sort of expected before I landed.
One of the problems being I am still a little unsure about my role in this community. I have yet to decide how I want to define myself when I face my informants – who could be... who would potentially see me as their family, friend, as one of them, who perhaps share their knowledge and sentiment toward the subject; or they may see me as an objective researcher, an outsider... I know I have the ability to create an image for myself, but I don't know what I want it to be. It is possible that I am not ready to carry out a project on Taiwan yet. Take for example this ethnomusicology research in Singapore that I am reading. Here is a mature American researcher and professor who has already had fieldwork in various other places under his belt. It was not until when he was well into his career that he found himself back in Singapore, where he grew up, conducting fieldwork using his "family tongue" (that's precisely how he calls it; he did not use terms such as native language, mother tongue, and the like). Way back at the start of his career he did not even imagine that his researches would bring him back to this place. My relationship with Taiwan, this community, this place, and these people, is still so ambiguous to me, as funny as it may seem. Frankly I usually find myself confused and uncomfortable about this relationship. I know, I usually wouldn't even admit this to myself. It is not home, no; I only called this place home when I lived here, and I moved away some years ago. Although I may have spent most of my childhood here, to me, I owe much more of who I am today to somewhere else (Missoula is one of these places). To my grandma or my aunt or my uncle, this summer is simply another summer spent at home, what sort of project I am doing is beyond their concern. When I explain my project, I imagine sometimes people would think, well what a clever plan, right? Just find a familiar topic and do it at home (and yet how little I know about the musics in Taiwan and Taiwanese identity!); it must be so easy! Or, they might think, oh here's a perfect excuse to go home. Although I know perfectly well that, when I was forming my research ideas, I only thought I'd do something on music of the diaspora and its relationship with identity issues. I did NOT begin with something on Taiwan. As a matter of fact I even tried to avoid anything regarding Taiwan, anything that would lead the thread back to me, myself, and rouse my own identity crisis. Isn't it almost more challenging to conduct fieldwork in a community with which the researcher has close connections, than in a community where the researcher is without a doubt a stranger? I can observe from a secure distance, yet I knew I was not ready to face myself in the mirror.
Oh don't ask me why then, why I nevertheless ended up with this topic. If you know me at all, I never felt like I was in control with anything that happened to me, hahahaha.
How awkward is it to discuss my project with my parents, when even they can easily turn into my informants?! Sometimes they sound like my advisors, being professors and researchers themselves. The thing is anthropology research is completely different from, say, my father's scientific research! Please, not all these structured questions, and I am not a journalist either. Lots to learn, researching others, discovering myself.
And there is translating. Make up my interview guide in English, translate it into Chinese before I pose questions, responses received in Chinese and Taiwanese; notes in English, or, to catch the some of the names and some particular phrasing, notes in Chinese... reading materials in English, websites in Chinese... lalalalala. See? I can't even write anymore! Can't think anymore. I am going to bed.
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