Last Day in Missoula

I thought before embarking for Vienna, I ought to write a cheerful entry, talking about how excited I am for my big trip, what I look forward to, and all that jolly good stuff.  But that is honestly not how I feel.  So you are warned.  If you just want to read about how excited I am, you are going to be disappointed and should just not go on.

Maybe it's just me, being a born worrier.  I am quite convinced that a normal person being in my position would be able to handle the stress very well and would be merrily preparing for departure.  But all I feel like doing now, and this is probably my default mood, is to retreat to my little corner and hide under a blanket.  Yeah, I have gradually learned how weak my personality is.

I have also agreed to write for Puget Sound's online journal entitled Adventures Abroad during the course of my study abroad.  I realized the hardest thing for me would probably be sending a positive message in my writing.  When I am not conscious of my readers, I complain and talk about depressing things too much.  Then when I realize that, I have to go back and edit out the depressing elements, so as to make the whole thing sound healthier.

Having 20½ years of experience in flying internationally, I have grown from always looking forward to it, loving it, to now detesting everything about flying, airports, customs and security, and even to being absolutely terrified of them.  What am I terrified about?  Well, I am not that worried about the plane crashing or anything like that.  What I think of are carrying my twenty-plus-pound bassoon, and laptop, etc – I have to move fast at the security to get everything on the belt when it's my turn, and sometimes if I was too polite and boarded the plane towards the end, there's not enough space in the overhead compartment for my bassoon... let's not get into all the potential problems there – and I think of the travel arrangements I have to make, and how exhausted I will be.  It has become more difficult for me to sleep and I have felt sick on the plane way more frequently during my more recent trips... anyway, moral of the story: I do not like flying.  Especially when I know I won't have a chance to get much rest afterward!

I have been having bad dreams about my journey for a few days now.  Yes, I have already gone to the airport – with something gone wrong – several times in my dreams.  And in reality, my bags aren't even packed yet!  Oh, I did have a different dream yesterday.  It was about me having to do a very bizarre stage setup for Wind Ensemble right when they (or should it be we?) are supposed to perform, and I could never get the setup right no matter how hard I tried!  Wind Ensemble is just starting their tour in Colorado, by the way.  I am not going because I am leaving in a day, obviously.  And I will not be working at the Schnee (I mean Schneebeck Concert Hall) in the next eight months.   See, that's how messed up my mind is!

One of the other things standing in my way that is adding to my stress is the audition I have to do in front of all music program students (all students are required to be present).  Apparently it is not supposed to be a big deal, but still.  I just want to say, it was never my intention to study music during my study abroad.  Instead, I have always wanted to study abroad to learn a foreign language and to learn about the culture.  Originally, I was in the Vienna European Culture and Society program, but then things with my degree requirements got complicated and I end up having to do quite a bit of music.  I am never much of a performer, nor am I an experienced one, and I don't want my bassoon performance to be what people think of when they see me.  Cause that is not me, if you know what I mean.  (I always feel like I can make better friends without them knowing what my major is in the beginning, because if that's what they learn about me first, that becomes how they define me, almost, and that would just be all wrong).

Break Espresso in downtown Missoula.  I hung out there with a friend for about three hours yesterday afternoon.  It is my favorite café.  There is no coffee shop in Tacoma that can compare with the Break.

I know I am probably just being ridiculous and giving myself a hard time.  It is also almost 4 am in the morning and here I am writing about how worried I am.  On the last day of my stay in Missoula, I will meet a teacher/friend in the morning, I will also visit the post office and mail three of my internship applications (I never feel satisfied with my cover letter, either) and a package, do laundry, pack, run errands, make some phone calls, and just go down my list.  The good news is, I saw Book Exchange has Under the Net by Iris Murdoch today (it didn't have it when I checked a couple days ago) and I want to pick it up for my plane ride.  I love used books; I almost only buy used books!

Alright, last day in Missoula: 10º F (–12º C), snowing...

Preparing for Vienna

This is my very first time blogging.  I will be spending the next five months or so in Vienna for study abroad, so I thought it would be a good idea to document this experience through a blog.

I am very excited and nervous at the same time.  It is my first time in Europe so I hardly know what to expect.  What I know is that I am eager for a change.  In the last five semesters at University of Puget Sound, I have changed my direction many times, and I feel I have made many mistakes, including decisions on my major field of study.  I found myself losing my appetite for learning and for many other things I used to be interested in.  I hope to maybe regain my old interests or discover new ones in a complete strange city.  I hope to get better at German and learn about Austrian and Central European culture, art, architecture, literature, and much much more.  On the other hand, I do not want to have any expectations – I want to free myself from all of that and just be able to go out and appreciate whatever I run into.  I want to travel around and get lost.

Clark Fork River in Missoula, Montana

Meanwhile, I am staying at my sister's in Missoula, Montana for the holidays.  This means I have lots of time on my hands and almost complete control over how I spend it.  Winter in Missoula is very cold, almost colder than I remembered.  I like to monitor the whether, and I almost have to.  I mean, I find it occupying my thoughts because I am constantly cold and because it determines whether I want to, or am able to, go out or not.  As of right now, it is 10º F outside.  Let's see... it is 29º in Tacoma, 21º in Vienna, 57º in Taipei, 36º in Copenhagen, and 41º in London at the moment (I look at the temperature in Copenhagen for no significant reason; it's fun.  And London... well, I will spend one day there before I get to Vienna, so I guess that is a sufficient reason).  I amuse myself thinking that by having lived in Missoula, I can never be scared of the cold almost anywhere else I go.  Oh, and I shouldn't fret about the heat either, as it gets pretty hot in Taipei in the summer.  My point is, if there is one, that is, this is a cold, gray, quiet, and lonesome time before the big adventure, and I am patiently waiting for my departure...

I made some cookies for Christmas: Rosenmunnar, Scandinavian almond bar, and honey lace crisps.  Honestly, I simply decide what to make based on two things: the name and the appearance.