Maybe it's just me, being a born worrier. I am quite convinced that a normal person being in my position would be able to handle the stress very well and would be merrily preparing for departure. But all I feel like doing now, and this is probably my default mood, is to retreat to my little corner and hide under a blanket. Yeah, I have gradually learned how weak my personality is.
I have also agreed to write for Puget Sound's online journal entitled Adventures Abroad during the course of my study abroad. I realized the hardest thing for me would probably be sending a positive message in my writing. When I am not conscious of my readers, I complain and talk about depressing things too much. Then when I realize that, I have to go back and edit out the depressing elements, so as to make the whole thing sound healthier.
Having 20½ years of experience in flying internationally, I have grown from always looking forward to it, loving it, to now detesting everything about flying, airports, customs and security, and even to being absolutely terrified of them. What am I terrified about? Well, I am not that worried about the plane crashing or anything like that. What I think of are carrying my twenty-plus-pound bassoon, and laptop, etc – I have to move fast at the security to get everything on the belt when it's my turn, and sometimes if I was too polite and boarded the plane towards the end, there's not enough space in the overhead compartment for my bassoon... let's not get into all the potential problems there – and I think of the travel arrangements I have to make, and how exhausted I will be. It has become more difficult for me to sleep and I have felt sick on the plane way more frequently during my more recent trips... anyway, moral of the story: I do not like flying. Especially when I know I won't have a chance to get much rest afterward!
I have been having bad dreams about my journey for a few days now. Yes, I have already gone to the airport – with something gone wrong – several times in my dreams. And in reality, my bags aren't even packed yet! Oh, I did have a different dream yesterday. It was about me having to do a very bizarre stage setup for Wind Ensemble right when they (or should it be we?) are supposed to perform, and I could never get the setup right no matter how hard I tried! Wind Ensemble is just starting their tour in Colorado, by the way. I am not going because I am leaving in a day, obviously. And I will not be working at the Schnee (I mean Schneebeck Concert Hall) in the next eight months. See, that's how messed up my mind is!
One of the other things standing in my way that is adding to my stress is the audition I have to do in front of all music program students (all students are required to be present). Apparently it is not supposed to be a big deal, but still. I just want to say, it was never my intention to study music during my study abroad. Instead, I have always wanted to study abroad to learn a foreign language and to learn about the culture. Originally, I was in the Vienna European Culture and Society program, but then things with my degree requirements got complicated and I end up having to do quite a bit of music. I am never much of a performer, nor am I an experienced one, and I don't want my bassoon performance to be what people think of when they see me. Cause that is not me, if you know what I mean. (I always feel like I can make better friends without them knowing what my major is in the beginning, because if that's what they learn about me first, that becomes how they define me, almost, and that would just be all wrong).
 |
| Break Espresso in downtown Missoula. I hung out there with a friend for about three hours yesterday afternoon. It is my favorite café. There is no coffee shop in Tacoma that can compare with the Break. |
Alright, last day in Missoula: 10º F (–12º C), snowing...
No comments:
Post a Comment